my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
