I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
