I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
