That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
