Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
