cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
