P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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