i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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