When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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