Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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