I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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