Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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