I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize