I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
