whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
