note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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