There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
