All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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