It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Randomize