It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
