Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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