Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
