so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
