Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
