i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
