Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize