508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
