If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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