When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
