I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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