I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
