Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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