No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
