the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
