drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
