i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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