why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
