Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
