her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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