Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
