this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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