Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
