Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
