i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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