If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
