i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
