he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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