You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
