If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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