11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize