one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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