I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
