3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
so that wasnt chicken after all
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
