It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
