paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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