My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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