I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
