Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
