I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
