i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize