im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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