the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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