my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
